Self-Help for Surviving the Holidays
By: Campbell Owen, LMFT-A
For a variety of reasons, our holidays can often feel like more work than our regular jobs. Wrapping presents, traveling across states, or uncomfortable family conversations can all become significant stressors in what we’re told is the “most wonderful time of the year”. It can be especially difficult for those who have lost someone that used to make the holidays feel special. In order to make the holidays a little more bearable for everyone, I have created this little guide to help. It is important to keep in mind that every situation is unique and that coping skills are adaptable. You can tweak or fine tune things to best fit your situation.
The first thing on the list is to identify the areas of concern, whether it’s family dinners filled with uncomfortable topics or an anticipated loneliness, it’s difficult to plan for a problem if we don’t know it exists. Once you have the problem in mind, you’ll probably also immediately think of the various ways you have tried to solve it before with limited success. Were any of your previous solutions helpful? If so, how much did they help? Lastly, why do you think that solution either helped or did not help? Once you answer these questions, you will better be able to create a new solution. The next step is to decide how you will try to better manage the problem this year, whether it’s improving an old strategy or going back to the drawing board. I will use the dinner example from earlier to create a hypothetical plan.
One situation I hear from clients often is the dreaded interactions between themselves and their relatives with antiquated or downright hurtful points of view. While we know we can’t change their mind, it doesn’t make it any easier to eat next to them. So now we know that we’ll be stuck with them and their problematic choice of conversation. How can you best survive until you can politely excuse yourself from the table? One strategy that many people find effective is to journal, but with a fun twist. I like to call it a “virtual rage room”. Essentially, whenever someone makes a comment or starts a discussion that hurts more than helps, you can turn to your handy smartphone and type out how you might respond if you were able to say whatever you wanted. Go into detail, it’s your own journal! Despite how simple it may seem, it is a great tool you can use to express your feelings without escalating or encouraging those we may disagree with. This method comes with the bonus that after the meal, you can choose to share your report to show your friends how your holidays went. If you need inspiration, #ThanksgivingClapBack can be a humorous look into what you can write. (PSA: I do not condone or encourage trying these outside of journaling) Another useful strategy can be practicing grounding yourself. As you start to notice your distress level rise, begin to focus on the physical sensations you feel. Starting with your feet, do a full body scan where you try to notice the physical sensations you feel, both external and internal. If you’re feeling tense, where are you carrying your tensions, are you slouching, are you so upright your back hurts? Relax the areas you are carrying your tension as you take slow, deep breaths. Give yourself time to reset before you reengage with the source of your stress. If all else fails, don’t give up! An important trick is remembering that optimism is your best tool. While we may not be able to avoid the situations, remind yourself that there is a way to decrease how much they affect you, the key is to keep a solution focused mind instead of getting bogged down by the problem.
Lastly, don’t be a stranger. We often can feel alone when we are experiencing hard times, especially when it feels like we are supposed to be happiest. As humans, we are social beings so don’t be afraid to reach out to those in your support system. If you don’t know who is in yours, why not figure it out? This can also help to check on those who might need it most. You never know who may not have anywhere to go or anyone to spend time with. By reaching out to your support system, you’re also reminding those people that they are important to you.
